i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
