[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
