I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
