The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
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