I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
