shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Holy shit dude........stairs
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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