i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
