just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
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I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
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He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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