There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
