You smell like a Billy Joel song
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I love having hate sex.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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