Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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