My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Can you bring me the toilet please
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
