Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
my poor anus
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
