I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
