Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
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