Already got asked if we're dating
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
