Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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