you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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