My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
