he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
he's single and there are thong briefs.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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