Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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