I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
