none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
