She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
