I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
