I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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