the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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