i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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