So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
