peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
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