The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
