I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Blood and glitter go together right?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
