dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
