my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
we're making bets on your personal life
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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