i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
