Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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