apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
