I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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