ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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