He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
