i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
