Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
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BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
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why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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