i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
