he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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