This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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