Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
