There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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