walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
