i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
