his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
