i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
