i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
