I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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