The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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