i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize