apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
