We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
